Random Ramblings Are Random

So, since my last post I haven't been doing a whole lot, tbh. Housework is a never ending struggle, especially with my depression hanging around for days on end. I haven't done anything in terms of making SCA garb, other than decide that the medium weight dark blue wool I'd bought for a Musketeer-inspired cloak will likely be made into a boned kirtle instead. I have had my kitchen table mostly cleared off once in the past couple of months, but my carpal tunnel pain has interfered with sewing even the smallest project. I did manage to complete this year's NaNoWriMo project...well, I was a renegade and simply added more onto a writing project I've been working on for the past couple of years. I made word-count for the month, and that's the most important thing, I suppose. Cleaning, well. Mostly I've been focusing on at least making sure I've got clean clothes for work. I have a LOT more laundry I should/could do as well, but I honestly don't have

So, I am slowly returning to the SCA (Society for Creative Anachronism) - so much has changed since I last played, and a very large part of me is worried that if I lay out the money to build a new garb wardrobe and all that fun stuff that I will be told that I can't actually go back, that the information I was given a few months ago was completely incorrect. Which is why I haven't taken the step of getting a paid membership yet. Plus, I was debating whether or not to use my old SCA persona or create a new one. My tastes have changed a great deal since I last played, and I suppose I want to remove myself from the painful memories of my former time in the SCA. Back when a lot of people I thought were friends turned out to be anything but. I had planned on getting back into rapier fighting but carpal tunnel pain has reared its ugly head in the worst way since I was originally diagnosed with carpal tunnel syndrome. I think it's due in a very large part to my current job, bu

I'm finally tackling one of the biggest triggers in my home in terms of depression - my bedroom. It's been an absolute disaster for way too long and I'm finally in the head space to deal with it after over a year of it slowly getting to the point where I couldn't access my closet or dresser, and I had no visible carpet. I have made some attempts at starting to clear the mess out but I got too overwhelmed and I would start to have a panic attack just trying to figure out where to start. Until yesterday when I felt mentally well enough to be able to make another attempt. This has been my most successful attempt in years - countless bags of garbage and old, hoarded clothing are now sitting in my living room to wait for tomorrow night so I can put them on the curb before I leave for work, and I have a carpet once again. It's far from finished but it is closer than it has been in ages, and I actually feel like I'll be able to get it completed tonight. And then af

Updates! So, the ex has blocked me...likely for not responding to him asking me to see a movie. Like, dude, we are no longer together and I'm not interested in trying again. Having you stay with me for a week reminded me about why I didn't try to get you back and why I was planning on breaking up with you anyway. But thank you for leaving your potatoes and onions behind, I guess. Considering you never did throw any money my way like you said you were going to. I'm working overnights finally, and so far it hasn't been too bad. Well, other than the fact that the woman who is nominally my boss for my section is sort of useless, and one of the ladies who sometimes works a few hours in the section is pretty clueless despite having been there longer than I have. I knew we were behind in planograms, but it was insane just how far behind we were...even though it's not like they were being done correctly in the first place!

Yesterday it was so nice to be able to come home after work and sit in my own living room to watch something on Netflix without having to worry about the ex saying or doing something what would piss me off. The first couple of days he was here I tried to ignore his comments about stuff, but he would come out with some of the most stupid things. I swear that he has no concept of what real life is and would constantly say how something couldn't be real...even though it was staring him in the face. He still couldn't get over the fact that I do not need to smoke pot on a daily basis. Or that even though my bedroom light is on that I could sleep. Or just any number of things. The day that he moved out he was up the earliest he's been up since he first came to stay with me. Probably because he wanted to get a hold of somebody to come move his shit. Of course, he learned the hard way that you can't just call a moving company and expect to move that day - I had already ex

The ex has found his own place! Thank fuck because I have been very much losing my mind over the past few days. I guess me telling him that he had to get his shit together and start making an effort to find a place or he'd be out on his ass at the end of the week actually did something. He thought I was kidding, and attempted to use several excuses to explain away his lack of motivation for finding a place. I know that he'd been hoping that I'd invite him to stay and agree to dating him again. Ugh. As if. I'm pretty much asexual at this point anyway, and he certainly didn't do much to help the situation. I know myself well enough to admit to myself that when he and I were dating before it was because I'd hoped that maybe I had found somebody I would be compatible with. Obviously, he and I are NOT compatible enough to attempt a romantic relationship ever again, and it was wrong for us to try the first time around. I think what gets me the most is h

I may be certifiably insane... So, my ex got into a fight with his landlord's son and spent a night in jail. The next day a judge told him that he could not return home due to the fact that he lived with his landlord. This meant that he messaged me asking for a place to stay because he had nowhere to go. I told him that I had to run it past my kid first because the last thing I want is to have my kid pissed off over sharing a place with somebody they don't particularly care for. My kid agreed to it being temporary only, which I'm in full agreement with. So, I let my ex know that he could stay but it was only for a short time, and he had to be making an effort to find a new place. Yeah. So far he's made NO effort to look for a new place, and keeps coming up with excuses. He also can't seem to get his head around the fact that I do not want to spend all my free time around him. If he needs to go to the store for something he can go by himself - it's re

Today I ran into my ex, and it surprised me that he wanted to talk if I had a moment. As it's a day off for me, I said yep, I had time. I bought him a coffee and we chatted for over an hour. He actually apologized for breaking up with me the way he did, that at the time he had a lot on his plate, and that he wasn't sure if he could handle how my depression manifests. Apparently he regrets how he handled how he felt and whatnot. And he's looking for a friend. I told him that I am more than willing to be friends with him (especially now that he's apologized...that's a first for me because none of my other exes have apologized for a damn thing), and that I fully understand that he had a lot going on at the time. He was finally coming to terms that he's got some mental health issues of his own going on, and, as is typical in those situations, he dropped a lot of relationships, including those with friends. He's also realized that due to his actions that he

For years I've been dealing with pain and swelling, and for years I've had tests come back saying there is nothing wrong. Well, now my doctor is thinking that I may have fibromyalgia, a disorder that means the sufferer deals with widespread musculoskeletal pain that comes with fatigue, memory and sleep issues, as well as mood issues. I get the random muscle pains where it feels like somebody has stabbed me straight into my bone and is twisting the bone and muscle tight, and alternate between tingling and numbness in my hands a feet. And I've got a history of  headaches and irritable bowel syndrome. All of the issues I've been dealing with for years can all be found when looking at symptoms and signs of fibromyalgia. For now we're trying regular doses of anti-inflammatory meds to see if that helps. And I am to try to keep powering through the pain and fatigue as I wait for my next dose of meds to kick in. Fibromyalgia runs in the family - my mother and most of

I've got a day off and the weather is cool enough for to not feel like I'm melting to death in my apartment. Which means I can hopefully get my bedroom uncluttered and unfucked so that I can actually make use of the entire room once again. Let me tell you: depression and anxiety can be complete bitches that can leave your life and your home a disaster. And my home has been edging very much into the disaster zone. Take my bedroom, for example. It's hit disaster level and I no longer have a floor. I can't find most of my clothes so I keep buying more even though I know I should just clean my room to find what I already have. But...and there is always a but...I have not had the mental fortitude to simply fight with the mess and do what needs to be done. However, today I hope to get at least half the clutter cleared out of my bedroom so I can find the clothing I know is hiding under the mess, get the laundry bagged up, and get it on the go. I also plan on the

Or, what was left of them. Saturday night I was getting ready to go out to a club. It's not something I do very often anyway but it was fetish night at the only gay club here in the city. And I was going to be meeting up with friends there. So I figured that I'd put a bit of effort into my look for a change. Usually I just throw on black pants, black t-shirt, tie my hair back, and maybe put on some makeup in a Goth-ish style. Hello to the black dress (with amazing pockets!), black tights that went over the knee, comfy black fabric Mary Janes, and hair and makeup inspired by classic Goth styling. Because I wanted my eyebrows a certain way it was necessary to shave my natural eyebrows off. My eyebrows used to grow in really thick and were easy to style using some brow gel or a bit of petroleum jelly. But over the past several years my eyebrows have become very sparse, much like the rest of my body hair. It's probably a bit TMI but I don't even have to shave my leg

Okay, so I haven't been much for reaching out to people lately. Unless I live with you, see you at work, or run into you while I'm doing important stuff like making sure we don't starve, I haven't been calling, texting, or messaging anybody unless they initiate the interaction. It doesn't mean that I don't care about you as a person or that I no longer want to be friends. Y'know, depression is a very real thing in my life, and quite often I retreat into myself and don't interact with folks except for what I wrote above. And my friends - people who truly are my friends - get that. They understand that there are stretches of time where I don't reach out or communicate. I basically disappear into myself, only coming out when I'm physically and mentally well enough to be at all social. Yes, these even extends to social media, messaging, and texting. Why? Because even those things tired me the fuck out sometimes. However I seem to have lost a frie

So, I know I that I don't post here all that often. Hell, I don't update most of my social media sites all that often these days. Why? I can't really put my finger on it, but it's not that important. Anyhow, I've quit the shitty call center after being off on stress leave for a little over five weeks. Thank goodness for getting EI on the go after being off for the first week or I'd have been extremely broke for all of that time. And I didn't stay on EI for long either, although a part of me is thinking I should have kept it on the go for those weeks when I don't get enough hours at my new job. But such is life, and I'm sure if I wanted to I could reopen my claim. I'm now working at a downtown hotel as a housekeeper. The hourly wage is way better than what I was getting at the call center, and it's entirely less stressful. Less stress means that I have a better handle on my mental health issues, which can only be a good thing, right? It is

Father's Day is weird for me. Ditto for Mother's Day. Why? It's because I'm somewhat estranged from my parents. I have a mother, father, and a step-father, and I never wish any of them a Happy Whatever on these days. I used to, sure, but I haven't for a lot of years. My mother and step-father got married on a Mother's Day, and I think it was on purpose so that I wouldn't forget the date. Not that I ever regularly wished them a happy anniversary either. I've had a weird relationship with my parental figures for most of my life, due in a very large part to my mother and her constant bullshit. And my father doesn't deserve any recognition anyway. But my mother always made it difficult for me to have much of a meaningful relationship with my step-father, the man I call Dad for a multitude of reasons. Y'see, my mother is a self-centered narcissist and she told me more than once that it was my fault that her marriages to my father an

So. I'm off for another two weeks. Yet another breakdown in the doctor's office. Go me. I realized today that even the thought of going to the mall where my job is tends to trigger a panic attack and I feel sick to my stomach. Which sucks because I tend to do a lot of my shopping in that area of town. I guess a positive outcome of that is that it will help me to save money. Maybe? I also realized that my diabetes management has been the shits due to the stress I've been under. The stress has causes me to have a hell of a time with my depression, and it's become a never ending spiral. This is possibly why I'm still sick. Between my diabetes management being poor and an extreme amount of job related stress, I'm just batting zero. My doctor and I set a goal for the next couple of weeks: set alerts on my phone/FitBit to remind me to take my meds on time every day for the next two weeks. And then actually take my meds properly. Hopefully, I'll notice a mark

So, I'm set to be re-evaluated on Thursday to see if I'm ready to go back to work next Monday. Considering that I'm down sick again with a nasty cough and cold, I somehow think that I will be off longer. I am so not ready to go back to work and my body is letting me know in no uncertain terms. This weekend I was speaking to my kid about me being off work and how it affects us for the time being. Damn, I raised an amazing human being. They know that if I was capable of going back to work now that I would be, and they are aware that I am also looking for something else that will not do a number on my mental health and not wreck my body either. They also make decent enough money to make it possible to pay rent and keep food on the table, and to also not let the bills get completely out of hand. I feel bad about it, but until I start getting EI money in we don't have much choice. The kid has seen me work my ass off enough in the past to know that I usually do everything I

I don't often write about my mental health these days, so this is going to be that rare post. I was off sick from work for the past week, complete with a doctor's note due to how sick I've been for entirely too long. My physical health was finally in a place where I was actually worried - I even took myself to the ER to get looked at. Usually I just muddle through as best as I can, take whatever OTC meds recommended to help with my symptoms, and go from there. But this round I'd been sick, one way or another, for well over two months. I've been spiking fevers for ages, and just wrote them off to hot flashes. But hot flashes aren't supposed to make you nauseous or give you the runs. Everything you consume is not supposed to come out the other end primarily as liquid. This past couple of weeks I fought off one of the worst bouts of cold/flu I've ever had - I'd managed to work through a week of it before leaving work last Monday halfway through my shift

Pursuant to my last blog entry, I feel the need to expound upon it. Maybe even at great length! So, the Society for Creative Anachronism (SCA). I had originally joined the SCA when my kid was six, although I had attended a couple of demos that the local group had put on each year. I was too afraid to put myself out there and try something new. Until I finally did. It is through the SCA that I found my voice and broke out of my shell. I learned confidence to try new things, meet new people, and to travel to places I never would have. I also found who my friends were. In the aftermath of my banishment I learned that many of those I considered friends thought nothing of bad-mouthing me behind my back. One - and this one hurt me the hardest - took my admission of having been a drug addict several years before I joined the SCA and, despite having been clean for the several years leading up to me joining, took it upon himself to claim that money that had gone missing while in my

So. I cried today. Bawled my face off even. It was not pretty. But... It was over some amazing news I received concerning my eligibility to go back to the SCA. What is that, you ask? The Society for Creative Anachronism. Go ahead, google it. Either way, I'm off to plan my first set of garb in over 17 years. Cheers!

I have decided that for next year's convention that I will cosplay again for the first time in what feels like ages. I have fabric for at least one cosplay I want to do and there are a couple more I would like to attempt if I have the chance. Now that I am no longer stuck having to wear a security t-shirt for the convention I can easily cosplay so long as I have my committee ID visible somewhere on me. I think enough people now associate me with this particular convention that I do not have to purposely distance myself from a failed convention organization. I have kept mostly silent about that whole mess, in public anyway - those who know me well are quite aware of where I stand on it. There are many fandoms I am a part of so it would be a matter of trying to figure out which ones inspire me to want to make a cosplay. I do know that I want to make a princess gown because I want a swishy dress so badly. And I do want to cosplay as my original character from my rather long "

As part of the committee that organizes and runs a local sci-fi and fantasy convention here in town, I'm always amazed at the entitlement of some folks. Both attendees and volunteers. I think this year was the first one where there wasn't a complaint about how expensive it is to attend, although we routinely get at least one complaint about not being able to pay a lower price just to get into the vendor area. Although there was one lady who wanted to get her money back because it wasn't what she was expecting...although it's not like we're not a known entity, complete with a website and Facebook page she could have checked out. After she was told no refund, she went right back to the vendors room so clearly she knew what she was getting into. Anyhoo... Volunteers. Okay, the committee itself is composed entirely of volunteers - we don't get paid - but the majority of us take the planning and running of the event very seriously. If we don't, th

Convention is officially over for this year, and my feet are very grateful! Other than a few hiccups, things ran pretty good for the most part. And I have a job that I will be taking on for the foreseeable future - the convention information desk. Apparently it hasn't had somebody officially taking care of this for a few years now, and it shows. Going forward this will be different! I've already made notes for what I want to implement for next year, so it should make for an easier time of it for the next convention. And, unlike the last person that was given nominal responsibility for it last year, I actually take my responsibilities seriously. As in, I show up on damn time to get things organized and ready to go for the day, and I don't make excuses for being late or simply just not doing my job in the first place. I know that some people figure that a volunteer position isn't all that important, but that's besides the point entirely. Do do a job half-assed r

It is well known that I do not like liars, and when I get wind that somebody is lying about something that I am quite well connected with I tend to get quite irate...and a friend of mine found out about that this evening. This friend picked me up after work so we could head to a meeting tonight for a convention that we're both involved with - she's a volunteer, but I am on the actual committee that puts this event together. On the way to the meeting she was trying to tell me that her partner was just put onto the executive. Which I know is utter bullshit. In order to be eligible for the executive you have to have been a regular committee member for at least a year - her partner isn't even ON the committee to begin with, and we have a legal constitution that lists out how we handle appointments to the executive. I pointed this out to her and she said she can only go by what her partner says, and that her partner will be wearing a yellow shirt. Um. No. The partner will no

After last week's single workout I ended up coming down with the flu. It certainly explains why I felt like a sack of assholes after said workout. I know better than to push myself when I'm sick so I haven't gone back to the gym since that day. I've still been doing stretches and whatnot at home, but nothing too intense because I know that I'm not physically up to it quite yet. Besides, when I haven't been at work I've either been sewing, sleeping, or eating. In between rounds of laundry and dishes. I ventured out yesterday to pick up some Heat & Bond(tm) after realizing that the fabric I was trying to applique was fraying like mad when trying to zig zag stitch around it. Temperature-wise, it was in the double digits yesterday so off I go without a jacket. I had a warm sweater on so I figured I'd be good, especially when I've been spiking a fever off and on all week...at least the rain held off mostly until I was on my way home. And it was a

One of my favourite discount shoe stores is in the process of going out of business and it makes me sad. It's one of many stores/chains that have been suffering in these tough economic times, which makes me wonder how many other stores/chains are going to be going under before the end of this year. I usually can't afford to drop big bucks on my footwear, and with my feet still shrinking somewhat I really don't want to fork over a lot of money to replace my shoes every 2-3 weeks. Perhaps once they've settled on a size that will be a different story, but even then I usually can't afford a lot of money all at once for a single pair of footwear. I guess I'll have to settle for when Ardene's puts their cheaply made footwear on for dirt cheap once a season and stock up. I shop there for their socks anyway because nothing else in that store will actually fit me at this point, and even if it did it's all so cheaply made that you know it's not going to la

I've fallen off the exercise wagon for the past week, but I did go back to the gym last night. I felt like a sack of assholes yesterday by the time I got home and realized that I'd only eaten once all of yesterday. Oops. This means that I'm restarting my 30 day challenges and everything else. I've got all my recorded exercise sets written into a new, better notebook where I don't have to worry about the spiral bound pages tearing out. Now just to keep going with it all! But now I've got to get my ass in gear for work. Ugh.

Bad anxiety day. I actually cried at work. I don't cry in public. Today? Different story completely. For the past two weeks I've been in training for a different line of business for the client the call center handles. Usually this is no big deal, but considering that the training was horrible and left us with serious doubts, it's probably no wonder I broke down at work. And as a very good friend of mine pointed out - I don't deal at all well with stupidity. I think it's safe to say that the past two weeks have been an exercise in utter stupidity at work. I mean, who thinks it's a good idea to use training material that is outdated and missing very important information that we need to do our jobs? Apparently our client does. And nobody in the training department thought it was a good idea to push back? Well... The client we support is one whom I've had issues with in the past and to this day I will not have any of their services in my house. S

For the past couple of weeks I've only been going to the gym twice a week. Between fighting flu and cold symptoms and the aftereffects of what I can only assume was a spider bite I just have not been up to going to the gym three times a week. However, I have started adding exercises I can do at home with minimal equipment - thank you, darebee.com for all the handy workout and stretching diagrams! There are a couple of challenges on the darebee.com page that I plan on starting as of tomorrow - I just have to print them out. The  Squat Challenge  where I build up to 100 squats by Day 30, and the  Five Minute Plank Challenge  where I build up towards being able to hold an elbow plank for five minutes by Day 30. Oh, and I may also throw in the  Touch Your Toes Challenge  in because I wouldn't mind being able to touch my toes again for the first time in entirely too many years. I'm going to print out some other stretching and warm up routines and tuck them into a notebook to

Back to the gym today after almost a week of not going due to feeling quite under the weather. And the trainer I'd met with several weeks ago told me that it looks like I've lost some weight...so I step onto the body composition analyzer at his invitation. My overall weight has gone up a couple of pounds but my fat percentage has gone down and that's the most important thing. So, despite my back hating me right now (I somehow managed to get a bite of some sort along my spine that sits right under my bra clasp, and it's all irritated) I feel pretty good, all things concerned.

The ex no longer has a job - he was termed on Valentine's Day. I can only wonder exactly what goes through a person's head to continue to do the same stupid thing repeatedly. Clearly he's not all that bright if it means that he has yet to learn a lesson out of all of this. But I also think he tends to think he'll always get bailed out whenever he screws up like he apparently always does. When he told me that he always loses his jobs the same way, I thought maybe he felt guilty about it all and wanted to make a change. Obviously not. Whenever I eat in the food court at the mall I work in I keep expecting his mother to approach me to ask what happened. Or to give me shit for not making her son a priority. Frankly, I'd love her to try giving me shit because I'd tell her - mother to mother - that she raised a selfish idiot who refuses to learn from his mistakes or is just too stupid to figure out that how he chooses to go on is no way to live. What is he goi

...is an idiot. And I dodged one hell of a bullet. So, we've got seven sick days we can take without penalty throughout the year. Yesterday he hit nine sick days. Those extra two sick days cost him two points. Today he simply did a no call, no show. We have twelve attendance points and they start kicking in once we hit our allowed sick days or if we leave during our shift. He had already hit at least eight points before the start of this year and had not managed to have any of them roll off. So, a NCNS is a four points all by itself. If you add the eight points from last year, the four points from the extra two sick days, and now the four points from today, and he's at sixteen points. Which means, unless he's got serious horseshoes stuffed up his ass, that he no longer has a job. If he had never told me that he's lost every single one of his jobs this same way I might be a bit worried about him. Instead I'm just disgusted at his behaviour. I halfway

So, I learned a weird thing about losing weight. Especially when going the gym and exercising. That weird thing? Feet shrinking. Yes, my feet have shrunk and I've had to buy new shoes for the gym so I don't risk hurting myself during a treadmill session or when doing squats, or pretty much anything that involves me being on my feet. I posted on my FB about needing new shoes and a friend of mine who started their own fitness journey over a year ago messaged me to say that losing a shoe size or two can be a side effect of weight loss. With that in mind, I did some Google-fu and discovered that this is something that does indeed happen! As a person grows older, shoe size CAN change, especially as one's weight increases. Edema in the feet is a common thing for larger folks, especially those who deal with diabetes and/or high blood pressure, but if you get more active you can alleviate the extra weight and fluid build-up which can result in losing a shoe size or two. I