Depression and not crawling out of my hidey hole, and losing a friend
Okay, so I haven't been much for reaching out to people lately. Unless I live with you, see you at work, or run into you while I'm doing important stuff like making sure we don't starve, I haven't been calling, texting, or messaging anybody unless they initiate the interaction. It doesn't mean that I don't care about you as a person or that I no longer want to be friends.
Y'know, depression is a very real thing in my life, and quite often I retreat into myself and don't interact with folks except for what I wrote above. And my friends - people who truly are my friends - get that. They understand that there are stretches of time where I don't reach out or communicate. I basically disappear into myself, only coming out when I'm physically and mentally well enough to be at all social. Yes, these even extends to social media, messaging, and texting. Why? Because even those things tired me the fuck out sometimes.
However I seem to have lost a friend over my inability to reach out in the past several weeks/months/whatever. I noticed today on FB that they have quietly unfriended me. I don't know when, and I'm not sure why, but I still don't have the spoons to message them and find out. Besides, they started going radio silent months ago, before I dialed everything back for my health.
And this is going to sound harsh, I'm sure, but in the end I think the friendship had run its course. This person helped me through some really bad times and made a point of reaching out to me during this, knowing that I was not capable of it, but during the recent round of issues I never heard a thing.
It might have been due in part to me having to bow out of attending her bridal shower, or it could have been before then. I know when I posted how sorry I was to miss the shower due to being incredibly sick and not wanting to pass it on, that I got a very noncommittal response. At the time I thought maybe it was because she was busy, but now I'm thinking there was more to it. So sorry that I wasn't able to attend your gift grab event due to being so sick I could barely stand or walk my ass to the bathroom to throw up. Or maybe I'm not fucking sorry if me being unable to attend due to my health pissed you off.
But I think even before this that the friendship was starting to fray. It often felt like this person was bragging about the stuff they were able to do - spending money on things that didn't seem like they should take precedence over saving for a wedding. But that's just me. Sorry that I can't afford to do all this shit and hang out with these supposedly cool people that you've been able to meet. Sorry that I'm not a pretentious asshole who feels that I need to brag about what I do and who I do it with. The 'cool' people are often the biggest assholes who will drop you on your ass as soon as you're not interesting enough or willing to spend money on what they're hawking.
Not to mention the comments about the fact that I wear primarily black, that I need to wear more colour. Oh, and maybe do something different with my hair and makeup...blah blah blah. Accept me for who I am or go the fuck away. I'm not some Mean Girls project for you to try to turn me into something I'm not. The few times I wore almost no black around you? Yeah, I didn't feel at all like myself, and friends shouldn't be trying to change their other friends to fit into the sort of person they want to hang out with. *THAT* isn't friendship - that's manipulation, and I've had enough of that bullshit growing up.
Sorry I don't want to buy all your MLM crap either. If all I am to you is just another sale, I want no part of it. Not to mention that we'd make an arrangement for me to purchase something when you next submitted an order, only for you to never get back to me. That left a bad taste in my mouth, and if it weren't for the fact that it happened more than once I'd have let it slide - but it was more than once so I was done supporting your direct sales things entirely. I'll find another person to buy that stuff from, one who won't make a deal with me and then never follow through. Seriously, that shit's just messed up and I don't need it in my life. Especially when I've gone about scrimping and saving after you offered me a deal only to never follow through with me. Fuck that noise.
Yes, the more I'm typing and thinking, the angrier I'm getting. Why? Because the more I think about things the more I realize that I was only good enough for you when you could easily get what you want from me, and when I was nothing more than a surrogate for the friend you much rather would have been spending time with. That's not friendship - that's self-indulgent bullshit.
So, in the end, I'm glad that you decided you didn't want me as a friend anymore. It saves me from having to unfriend you myself. May life bring you everything you deserve.
Y'know, depression is a very real thing in my life, and quite often I retreat into myself and don't interact with folks except for what I wrote above. And my friends - people who truly are my friends - get that. They understand that there are stretches of time where I don't reach out or communicate. I basically disappear into myself, only coming out when I'm physically and mentally well enough to be at all social. Yes, these even extends to social media, messaging, and texting. Why? Because even those things tired me the fuck out sometimes.
However I seem to have lost a friend over my inability to reach out in the past several weeks/months/whatever. I noticed today on FB that they have quietly unfriended me. I don't know when, and I'm not sure why, but I still don't have the spoons to message them and find out. Besides, they started going radio silent months ago, before I dialed everything back for my health.
And this is going to sound harsh, I'm sure, but in the end I think the friendship had run its course. This person helped me through some really bad times and made a point of reaching out to me during this, knowing that I was not capable of it, but during the recent round of issues I never heard a thing.
It might have been due in part to me having to bow out of attending her bridal shower, or it could have been before then. I know when I posted how sorry I was to miss the shower due to being incredibly sick and not wanting to pass it on, that I got a very noncommittal response. At the time I thought maybe it was because she was busy, but now I'm thinking there was more to it. So sorry that I wasn't able to attend your gift grab event due to being so sick I could barely stand or walk my ass to the bathroom to throw up. Or maybe I'm not fucking sorry if me being unable to attend due to my health pissed you off.
But I think even before this that the friendship was starting to fray. It often felt like this person was bragging about the stuff they were able to do - spending money on things that didn't seem like they should take precedence over saving for a wedding. But that's just me. Sorry that I can't afford to do all this shit and hang out with these supposedly cool people that you've been able to meet. Sorry that I'm not a pretentious asshole who feels that I need to brag about what I do and who I do it with. The 'cool' people are often the biggest assholes who will drop you on your ass as soon as you're not interesting enough or willing to spend money on what they're hawking.
Not to mention the comments about the fact that I wear primarily black, that I need to wear more colour. Oh, and maybe do something different with my hair and makeup...blah blah blah. Accept me for who I am or go the fuck away. I'm not some Mean Girls project for you to try to turn me into something I'm not. The few times I wore almost no black around you? Yeah, I didn't feel at all like myself, and friends shouldn't be trying to change their other friends to fit into the sort of person they want to hang out with. *THAT* isn't friendship - that's manipulation, and I've had enough of that bullshit growing up.
Sorry I don't want to buy all your MLM crap either. If all I am to you is just another sale, I want no part of it. Not to mention that we'd make an arrangement for me to purchase something when you next submitted an order, only for you to never get back to me. That left a bad taste in my mouth, and if it weren't for the fact that it happened more than once I'd have let it slide - but it was more than once so I was done supporting your direct sales things entirely. I'll find another person to buy that stuff from, one who won't make a deal with me and then never follow through. Seriously, that shit's just messed up and I don't need it in my life. Especially when I've gone about scrimping and saving after you offered me a deal only to never follow through with me. Fuck that noise.
Yes, the more I'm typing and thinking, the angrier I'm getting. Why? Because the more I think about things the more I realize that I was only good enough for you when you could easily get what you want from me, and when I was nothing more than a surrogate for the friend you much rather would have been spending time with. That's not friendship - that's self-indulgent bullshit.
So, in the end, I'm glad that you decided you didn't want me as a friend anymore. It saves me from having to unfriend you myself. May life bring you everything you deserve.
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