Random Ramblings Are Random

I'm pretty much fully in my new room as of this afternoon so now comes the joy of decorating the way I have wanted to for way too long. I have been slowly collecting things to put up that fit my Gothy aesthetic but really had no idea where to put them in my old bedroom. Largely because the disaster zone that my old room had become over the months, and my lack of spoons to be able to deal with it all. It's amazing what having a set goal will do in terms of getting things cleaned up and bagged up. It would help if I had easy access to a dumpster so I wouldn't be sitting on several garbage bags filled with crap to toss, but they will be going out on Wednesday night or Thursday morning and spread among the neighbours' own piles of garbage. This is because there is a limit of ten bags per household in my city. And I know if I don't throw it all out that I will go right back into a funk, and I don't need that AT ALL. I've been riding a high from simply having my r

It was strange to wake up this morning and basically be able to go right to work. No having to wake up enough to leave my apartment, trudge down the hill, wait on traffic lights, and groggily punch in the front door code at work. Instead I got up, packed my pajamas into my small duffle bag, strip my bed so I could take the bedding and towels I used down to the laundry room, and then hit the front desk for my start time. It was an interesting day though, to put it mildly. We needed rose petals for a special package and had none in the hotel or the spa, so I had to run out to buy some and couldn't find the hotel credit card (because I completely forgot where it was put) so I had to grab some cash from an envelope we hadn't deposited because the deposit box is in a locked and alarmed part of the spa that we don't have the security code for. Then it was a mad dash to a store that I hoped had some roses...they did, but only as a part of other bouquets. Those bouquets were dirt c

Feeling a bit spoiled at the moment as I'm sitting on the bed in a room at the hotel I work at. I had a nice bath in the room's Jacuzzi tub and I'm feeling pretty relaxed at the moment as I contemplate going to sleep for the night. I work at 11am tomorrow and all I'll have to do is pull on my work clothes, pack my itty bitty duffel bag, and hit the front desk for the first shift after the Christmas shut-down. I did get the new work computer set up - the best time to do it was over the shut-down, but I didn't stay around long enough to get everything set up over the past couple of days when I stopped in to make sure the building was okay and nothing had blown up or caught on fire. Besides, I figured it would make more sense to set up the computer tonight when I knew I was going to be spending the night. And it worked out pretty good actually, because I managed to get all my things out of my old bedroom so that my daughter could start moving her stuff in. And by not h

 ...and what have you done? Another year over and new one just begun... It's been another quiet holiday season in my house. Which is fairly normal for us anyway, but this year I haven't even felt up to a whole lot. I'd hoped to get the turkey breast baked today but I really just wasn't up to it for some reason. I'll bake it tomorrow instead, and have all the fixings for dinner. In the meantime, the kid and I have been making progress on cleaning our bedrooms so we can switch. I've already pulled out four bags of crap - clothes I don't wear, things I don't need, things I haven't used in over a year, and a lot of crumpled up paper. Not to mention the collection of pop cans I've somehow managed to build up. I still have at least four more bags worth of crap to pull out of that room. I already know that it may require me to rent a U-Haul pickup truck or van to get all the bags and other assorted crap out of here, especially with the city wanting to c

I had the shock of my life today...I went on a FB search for my former step-son and found out his father, the man I once thought I would spend the rest of my life with, passed away over a year ago...close to two years ago, actually. February 14, 2019 he passed away. I have no idea what he died from, but after spending most of his life living hard I wouldn't be surprised if it was cirrhosis from heavy, long-term drinking. It could have been an OD - I left him because he'd started getting into hard drugs, something he'd helped me get clean from over a year before we'd bought a house together, before we had even coupled up. I'd known him for a LOT of years, and he was one of the few men I trusted as I was growing up. He was a family friend first, and eventually dated and lived with a shirt-tail cousin of mine. They broke up but he still kept coming around to visit us, and eventually he and I ended up together. It wasn't the easiest relationship, but it was the one

So, it appears to be a good thing that I have started buying myself some new clothing because apparently I keep managing to get bleach on things. And I wear primarily black, so you can imagine how that affects me and my wardrobe. I am going to see if I can manage to salvage some of the items because I doubt I can just up and replace them. That's part of the joy of buying one-off items or something in a very limited run. Go me, right? Waiting for me to go through at home is a couple orders I made through Zulily. It's one of those online store things where they basically offer different things on a regular basis. I have been purchasing through them for quite some time now, and I've been mostly lucky when buying clothes. I think the very first thing I bought - a black and grey striped sweater was a definite miss, but such is life. I've had luck ordering my tunic tops and leggings from them, and even a couple of wool blend coats in a particular style that I absolutely adore

As always my physical and mental health is a going concern but I'm doing the best I can to deal with it. A couple of meds added to mix, and upcoming x-rays to find out what's going on with my knees. And waiting on being contacted for a mammogram and an ultrasound...not to mention getting the results back next week from a skin biopsy and having stitches removed. I will admit that my mental health hasn't been where I'd like it to be, especially when I'm at home. Just so much to do and clean, and facing it has been difficult. But I'm doing the best that I can. In the next couple of weeks my kid and I will be changing bedrooms, but before that can happen, I have to completely clean mine out as it's been more than a bit of a disaster for entirely too long. This means having to face the challenge head-on and do it in small steps, starting with getting rid of stuff I haven't unpacked since we moved here nine years ago. It feels kinda weird to be doing this, but

I owe my aunt a lot of my peace of mind, and I hope she knew that before she passed. Over the past few years she provided answers that my mother simply was never willing to provide, and it explained so much of my life with my mother over the year. My aunt also apologized to me for the shit I went through, shit that she had hoped that my mother would never have put me through. I told her that it was not her fault, and I meant it. Sure, my life would have been very different if she had stepped in to prevent everything that happened but I do not blame her for not knowing what was going on over the years. My mother never could bring herself to tell the truth to anybody, even if it had some very tragic consequences. My aunt knew what sort of person my father was like and she had feared for me. If I recall correctly, part of the reason she came to visit me when I was still really young was to see how I was faring with a father with pedophiliac tendencies and a narcissistic mother who had spe

 ...and I'm trying my best to hold it together. If it weren't for the travel restrictions right now I would be in the process of dumping everything so I could fly to Ontario to be with my cousins and the rest of my family. Even the family I'm not exactly fond of. Instead I am going to force myself to work and then allow myself to grieve when I'm at home. My kid has already dealt with me during my grieving process so knows not to expect a whole lot out of me over the next few days as I work through my emotions. It was bad enough when I found out she was in the hospital and had been there for two weeks, but she had been apparently getting better. Yet not even two weeks after I first found out she was in the hospital she has passed away. I know she is older than my mother by at least five years...my mother is 68, so my aunt would have been 73. Where does the time go? I can still remember when I was a little girl and she came to visit us for a couple of weeks...I sat on her

It's been a couple of weeks since I last updated, and I feel the need to at least do up a short post...it will probably end up being a long one though. I recently gave up my spa attendant shifts at work because my knees simply couldn't take the constant running up and down the stairs. I feel bad, but at the same time I know that it's for the best. Besides, it's a job for somebody much younger than my almost 50 years. I had been helping with their laundry for the past couple of weeks and the spa manager was getting other folks to pick up the full baskets of clean laundry I would put up in the staff room - long, sloping hallway to deal with instead of stairs - but even the slope was starting to become very hard on my poor knees. The only reason I took those shifts was because I wasn't sure if I would be able to be topped up by the latest plan the Canadian government rolled out, replacing CERB. Thankfully, I'm eligible for the CRB through EI, so it helps ensure tha

Heh. My 100th post. I think this is a first for me because I usually end up wiping my blog long before I get this far! Nothing major to report. Halloween was quiet and saw me over at the other property owned by the group I work for trying to fix the internet over there...and talking to a couple of actors who are in town to work on a new series being filmed here. Oh, yeah. M has now blocked me on FB. She claimed to have amnesia to the point that she couldn't remember anything at all. The sort of amnesia that only exists in movies, and is totally fake. She messaged me saying she was reaching out to people she saw on her FB messenger that she though were friends. Considering that she claimed to not even remember her name, well, that's the first clue that she's full of shit. And, if she'd read further back through our final conversation she'd have known that I was totally finished with her and her so-called friendship. So, I reached out to her roomie, who confirmed that

 ...and I'm working at the hotel that night. But if it isn't super busy I may get to leave a bit early. I usually try to book the evening off, but right now I need all the hours I can get. And I will still have time to do my usual Samhain stuff after work anyway. Not to long ago M asked if we could hang out when I get off work that night, and I was very non-committal because I really did not want to give her the idea that I was at all comfortable with being around her much. And honestly, I didn't want to be around somebody who is a complete fraud anyway. But now that is not even a concern - M fucked up a few days ago by telling me that I admitted defeat by accepting the fact that I am bi-polar and take meds to keep it under control instead of just allowing my mental illnesses to control my life. Yeah. That was the absolute final straw for me. Just because she wants to justify her own behaviour by blaming her mental illnesses, she feels that she has somehow won? Fuck that no

Like everyone on the planet, I have to do laundry. I also have way more clothing than I will ever need, with a good chunk of it stuff I've been given and will never wear or stuff that I no longer wear for whatever reason. Due to having been poor as fuck for a lot of years I have a hard time getting rid of the accumulated clothing because at one point I was desperate enough to wear what I had even if I didn't like it because I couldn't even afford to go to a thrift store to buy more. Now, that is certainly not the case as I can afford to buy brand new clothing. Sure, a lot of it is from Walmart or online from places like Zulily, but still. It's brand new, never been worn by anybody else, and it's more to my style. Yet, I still keep accepting clothing that people want to give me...even though I really don't need it. Some of it can and will be turned into a different piece of clothing at some point, but some of it will never grace my body in a million years. But st

It's my 48th birthday, and it's been a nice, quiet day. I spent a good chunk of it with a very good friend who paid for dinner and drove me around to a few places while we mostly hung out, talking about anything and everything. She knows that I don't like having a huge fuss made about my birthday, although I am hoping to do a big celebration for my 50th...or as big of a celebration as a person who doesn't like a lot of people can muster! It's also day two taking my new meds and I'm glad that I didn't have to walk to far or work...I'm having a hard time focusing and my head feels fuzzy. It's pretty normal for me when I start on new meds. Thankfully I can touch type really well, so I don't have to worry about staring at my laptop's keyboard while trying to make my eyes focus. I have a really early shift on Wednesday so I'm hoping that I will be feeling better by then because it would suck to have to call out due to the med change. At least

My kid has been identifying as non- binary for several years, but today the declared that they are female. Still likes using they/them pronouns but is perfectly okay with she/her as well. I announced it on FB and let my brother know. My brother and I had a chat about how our mother is going to react when she finally finds out that she has a grand-daughter and not a grand-son. We both believe that the reaction isn't going to be a pretty one. Considering her reaction when I informed her that my kid was identifying as non-binary ages ago, it's going to be interesting. To put it mildly, this may be what puts into a mental ward again. But such is life. If she can't accept my kid's happiness, then she can go to hell.

So, I had my first face-to-face doctor's appointment today since the whole pandemic thing started. I guess it went well enough. Wellbutrin is being added to the list of meds I take daily. I'm already on the max dose of Effexor and I will still be taking that - Wellbutrin is supposed to boost the effectiveness of the Effexor and help with the depression and anxiety that has been making my life hell for the past few weeks. It may be related to the whole pandemic thing and not knowing if/when my hours at work will pick back up, but considering I've been on the same dose for Effexor for over three years, it's really not too much of a surprise that this change is needed. Also, I finally made the decision to get my first mammogram. I turn 48 on Monday, and all types of cancer run in my family. I really should have started getting mammograms much earlier...my old doctor in BC wanted me to start getting them back then, but I was scared shitless of the pain. But now I'm more

I don't know when it happened, but M has removed me from her f-list. I'm also not sure why but it may have to do with a post I'd made on my Goth group where I stated my position on essentially disrespecing graves for the sake of taking pictures and then asked the opinions of the other members. I did not give any names or say that I'd seen the pictures that M and her girlfriend took, but one of the other members (who sometimes takes things way too far, especially when she really doesn't like a particular person) made comments about seeing pictures in a different group and how the people had desecrated  the graves - definitely wrong word choice and it caused a huge stink in the comment section. Yes, the pictures were cheesy and bad, and in some of them M or her girlfriend K look like they are sitting on graves, or have props set up on top of graves. At least that is how it looks to me, and that is what I took issue with. That being said, while it was those pictures th

I didn't do a whole lot yesterday, other than run to Walmart to buy butt wipe and a few other things we needed. I lacked the mental and physical capacity to do much more than that. The only reason I even bothered to go out at all yesterday was because I couldn't find the new pack of toilet paper I know I bought last week. Bleh. Today I just sort of vegged before having to head to work, but I had a brand new Google Nest Mini to play with after I got off work. It was the easiest set up I've ever had with any sort of technological thing, and it's tempting me to pick up at least one more so I can put it into my bedroom. I'm thinking that in the future new homes will come with this sort of technology built-in. We are going the way of Star Trek and we will eventually think nothing of just saying, "Computer, turn the lights on" or "Computer, play some Mozart." Or even "Computer, tea, Earl Grey, hot." Now that I've got my new toy set up I&#

Eight bags of garbage and one bag of cardboard. And there is still more to deal with. But this is a good start. Yes, I'm aware that it seems like a lot of garbage. It really is. Much of it was ripped paper, various rappers, packing materials, and just plain junk. Some of it was broken bits and pieces that I had just dropped on the floor at some point and left there. There really is a lot more to deal with but it will take time. And it will involve a lot of just dumping stuff that has been hanging around for way too long. I know with some of the stuff I simply need to put up some sort of shelving to properly display the items. I tend to collect some things, such as owls, teapots, and random fan collectibles, and they really do need to be displayed properly at some point, and put up somewhere the cats can't knock them down. I also know that I need to invest in some more bookcases because I have more books than the two large bookcases I already own can hold. The biggest issue will

Oh yeah, before I forget...here's some other stuff going on that has nothing to do with the discussion my kid and I had... Yesterday, I came to the conclusion that I really do not want to take a chance and move into a place with a friend of mind. It has been close to two years since we first started talking about getting a place for the three of us and our animals, but so far nothing has panned out. And after taking a look at everything, it hasn't been panning out because my friend can't seem to get her shit together. So, unless something miraculous changes in the future, the kid and I will be staying put. While this place doesn't have a lot of storage, it is still pretty damn near perfect for our needs. The kid is able to work from home for the foreseeable future (which is good because there's a good chance the buses will be going on strike), but when they do have to go into the office, it's a quick walk to the nearest bus stop to catch a bus that gets them rea

I successfully managed to not lose my shit at my kid the other day. And we even had a decent discussion once they'd calmed down. I think it surprised them when I did not holler back at them and their accusations against me. When they were more receptive to having an actual conversation, I explained that I feel it wasn't worth it on my end to respond in kind to them when they were angry, that it would have accomplished absolutely nothing other than getting us both riled up to the point that somebody would have gotten hit. And unlike my kid, I know how to fight, so it would have ended up being them. During the talk I reminded them that they are not innocent in the matter of the disaster we are living in, that I need their help and that how they respond to my requests for help really doesn't do much in terms of making me want to continue trying to get things cleaned up. I get that a lot of the mess is mine, but the kid adds to it.  I explained to them that one of the reasons I

I get home from work to the kid being in a huge snit...and they proceed to yell at me over the state of the house. Yes, I fucking get it, the place is a state, but I've often asked the kid to give me a hand only to have them either flat out ignore me, growl at me that they're in the middle of something, or only pick up a couple of things before hiding in their room again. Today the kid sent me a message about not buying any more plastic utensils because they always end up in the sink. They clearly have forgotten that it's THEM who consistently dumps them in the sink, not me. They have also clearly forgotten that a lot of the dishes that need to be washed are entirely due to them not bothering to touch them after I've cooked dinner...after I've already had to clean the counters and everything from where they've slopped sugar and coffee all over the place, or wrappers and boxes all over the counters. I get that I'm horrible at keeping house, but they do not se

In the last little while I've gone a bit off the rails... It's almost like I'm going through a bit of a mid-life crisis of some sort. No, I haven't bought some fancy sportscar. Hell, I can't even afford a boring used card right now. What I mean is that I've spent money on things that most adults my age wouldn't even think about. I've bought merch from a YT personality that I follow. A pair of fluorescent Heelys that I know I'm going to end up crashing in the first time I wear them outside. A shit ton of Halloween/Gothy stuff that I probably really didn't need right away. The clothes...oh gods...the clothes. I knew I needed to revamp my wardrobe, so I've been buying a few things here and there. But I've also been given a bunch of clothing. And now I've got to sort through the ginormous pile of clothes to pare it down to a livable amount and still have clothes for work and for play. It's going to be a chore....ugh. And I have to sta

I've never hidden the fact that I'm a big ol' geek and more than a bit of a nerd. Just recently I've started collecting comics again, and I have a preferred comic book store that I go to on a regular basis. I've even been helping the owner get the back issue boxes all sorted and organized so it's easier for customers to find any back issues they missed for a particular run. There I was today sorting through the various X-Men series, stacking them on top of other boxes, when in walks a couple of folks I haven't seen in ages. These two people I've known for a lot of years, one since before I moved to the island as we use to date on-line a great many moons ago. I guess the break-up was sort of amicable in that we managed to remain friends for a few years after we broke up and I moved here, but then we very much drifted apart. I'm over her, and have been for ages. We haven't spoken much in a few years, and I really don't miss the friendship we us

The CERB payouts are coming to an end and are supposed to be changing into some sort of special EI instead. I'm not sure if I'm eligible for that, but I'm hoping so because we are going into the slow period for the hotel industry. This means that my hours have gone down at work, but at least I'm getting some hours so that the brunt of paying for things isn't entirely on my kid's shoulders. Especially as they want to purchase themselves a new gaming computer - a desktop instead of a laptop like mine. Not that it's stopped me from getting a fancy gaming keyboard. I have assured my boss that I have no intention on leaving the hotel, and that I can fill in pretty much any job that does not need a special certificate or license to do. That includes laundry, housekeeping, and more. And I pick up computer programs fairly quickly as well, which is always a bonus. I do want to see if there is something I can do from home to make money, but I don't know what I can

Thankfully, M has not been messaging me as much as she used to. Perhaps she finally got it through her head that she has been pushing her luck. Or she's found new friends that are just as desperate for companionship as she is. I know she has created her own Goth FB group, but it seems her idea for trying to grow the community is to just post song lyrics and links to YT videos. No planning of events, or anything of the sort. I suppose that's what she views as 'growing the Goth community'. I'll let her carry on however she wishes, so long as she doesn't try to take credit for anything that my group has done or will be doing in the future. In the meantime, I've been spending more time with a different friend of mine. Including doing a photoshoot this past Tuesday that involved bathing suits, umbrellas, and a damn cold waterfall! Her and I are opposites in so many ways, but we make a damn good team. Normally getting me into a bathing suit in public is incredibly

Yesterday morning I woke up to a PM from M asking if I was awake. 4:35am. I waited until yesterday evening to respond that if I was on FB or Messenger at that time that I was likely sleep FBing because I was most definitely not awake. Once upon a time there was a very good possibility that I was awake, but my sleeping patterns have been getting back to more or less normal and I've been able to sleep a good chunk of the night for a change. The only time I'm up that early is when I have to go to the bathroom, and then I go right back to bed without looking at my phone for anything more than to see if I've got any WhatsApp messages from work, and even then if I don't have a WhatsApp notification on my smart watch I likely won't bother looking at my phone anyway. M and I had a short conversation as she wanted to know what I'd been up to all day. I kept it short and sweet by telling her it was laundry day and I napped. Which is more or less true, but I don't have

 So. A couple of posts ago I walk talking about how I'd removed a toxic person from my life. M. Well. Tonight I started speaking to her again. Why? Because she did something I fully expected of her to do - she set up a goth FB group of her own as competition for mine, going so far as to name it something very close to what mine had been named up until maybe a week ago. And she made some snide remarks about my group and the modmin team that didn't sit well with me. I've got my own little spy network and that is how I found out about M's group, and one of my spies decided to stir up a bit of shit over there. It started innocently enough with asking why the two groups can't work together, and then it went from there. There were even screenshots taken from Messenger between M and myself concerning M being removed as an admin, proving that she was twisting her side of the story to suit her own narrative. And that promptly got that spy removed and blocked, and then accuse

And it's on my bed! Its gloriously hideous but I love it anyway! Something tells me that the colors will fade the first time I wash it, but I'm okay with that. It's gotten the reaction I was hoping for LOL It's made of a shitty cotton that feels a bit stiff and scratchy, but will likely soften up the first time I wash it. But for now it's all kinds of fun 🖤