Random Ramblings Are Random

Father's Day is weird for me. Ditto for Mother's Day. Why? It's because I'm somewhat estranged from my parents. I have a mother, father, and a step-father, and I never wish any of them a Happy Whatever on these days. I used to, sure, but I haven't for a lot of years. My mother and step-father got married on a Mother's Day, and I think it was on purpose so that I wouldn't forget the date. Not that I ever regularly wished them a happy anniversary either. I've had a weird relationship with my parental figures for most of my life, due in a very large part to my mother and her constant bullshit. And my father doesn't deserve any recognition anyway. But my mother always made it difficult for me to have much of a meaningful relationship with my step-father, the man I call Dad for a multitude of reasons. Y'see, my mother is a self-centered narcissist and she told me more than once that it was my fault that her marriages to my father an

So. I'm off for another two weeks. Yet another breakdown in the doctor's office. Go me. I realized today that even the thought of going to the mall where my job is tends to trigger a panic attack and I feel sick to my stomach. Which sucks because I tend to do a lot of my shopping in that area of town. I guess a positive outcome of that is that it will help me to save money. Maybe? I also realized that my diabetes management has been the shits due to the stress I've been under. The stress has causes me to have a hell of a time with my depression, and it's become a never ending spiral. This is possibly why I'm still sick. Between my diabetes management being poor and an extreme amount of job related stress, I'm just batting zero. My doctor and I set a goal for the next couple of weeks: set alerts on my phone/FitBit to remind me to take my meds on time every day for the next two weeks. And then actually take my meds properly. Hopefully, I'll notice a mark

So, I'm set to be re-evaluated on Thursday to see if I'm ready to go back to work next Monday. Considering that I'm down sick again with a nasty cough and cold, I somehow think that I will be off longer. I am so not ready to go back to work and my body is letting me know in no uncertain terms. This weekend I was speaking to my kid about me being off work and how it affects us for the time being. Damn, I raised an amazing human being. They know that if I was capable of going back to work now that I would be, and they are aware that I am also looking for something else that will not do a number on my mental health and not wreck my body either. They also make decent enough money to make it possible to pay rent and keep food on the table, and to also not let the bills get completely out of hand. I feel bad about it, but until I start getting EI money in we don't have much choice. The kid has seen me work my ass off enough in the past to know that I usually do everything I