My favourite aunt died this morning...

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 ...and I'm trying my best to hold it together.

If it weren't for the travel restrictions right now I would be in the process of dumping everything so I could fly to Ontario to be with my cousins and the rest of my family. Even the family I'm not exactly fond of.

Instead I am going to force myself to work and then allow myself to grieve when I'm at home. My kid has already dealt with me during my grieving process so knows not to expect a whole lot out of me over the next few days as I work through my emotions. It was bad enough when I found out she was in the hospital and had been there for two weeks, but she had been apparently getting better.

Yet not even two weeks after I first found out she was in the hospital she has passed away.

I know she is older than my mother by at least five years...my mother is 68, so my aunt would have been 73. Where does the time go? I can still remember when I was a little girl and she came to visit us for a couple of weeks...I sat on her lap every chance I got and played with her curly hair because I was mesmerized by it - my mother had long straight hair so it was so different for me. And you could see the family resemblance between my aunt and my mother, and as I grow older I can see that resemblance in myself and my cousin.

I had been hoping to get to see her before COVID threw a wrench into that whole plan, and now the only place I will be able to see her is in my dreams and memories.

And the worst part of it all is that I know my mother will make this whole thing about her. She always does. I haven't even reached out to her since I found out about my aunt's passing because of how she reacted when we all found out my aunt was in the hospital. I was ashamed to call that woman my mother with how she freaked out over not being the first to know and how she carried on. And I can't bring myself to reach out to her right now because I am not mentally up to dealing with her narcissistic bullshit right now. I'd likely lay into her and tell her everything I have held back for so many years. And that would do nobody any good at this point.

We shall see how this all falls out. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst.

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