My aunt and my peace of mind

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I owe my aunt a lot of my peace of mind, and I hope she knew that before she passed.

Over the past few years she provided answers that my mother simply was never willing to provide, and it explained so much of my life with my mother over the year.

My aunt also apologized to me for the shit I went through, shit that she had hoped that my mother would never have put me through. I told her that it was not her fault, and I meant it.

Sure, my life would have been very different if she had stepped in to prevent everything that happened but I do not blame her for not knowing what was going on over the years. My mother never could bring herself to tell the truth to anybody, even if it had some very tragic consequences.

My aunt knew what sort of person my father was like and she had feared for me. If I recall correctly, part of the reason she came to visit me when I was still really young was to see how I was faring with a father with pedophiliac tendencies and a narcissistic mother who had spent time locked in a psych ward.

I wish I had been more comfortable with phones because I would have kept in closer contact with my aunt. I probably would have found out so much more about my mother at the same time.

Apparently my mother had been a going concern even as a child, and never should have been a mother. She had never put anybody else before her own wants and desires, and we kids were an afterthought. Especially me because I was a girl - my mother has long had a serious dislike of female children, and I think that's because she saw us as rivals somehow. She doted on my brother until he announced his engagement to his male partner, and that was what finally opened my brother's eyes to our mother's bullshit.

Either way, I do not blame my aunt for how my life turned out - it was never her fault. The fault lays at my mother's feet for being such a selfish bitch who refused to deal with her own obvious mental health issues. Such is life.

RIP Auntie Carolyn. I will always love you and hold you in my heart <3

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