2019...my year?

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2019.

Will this be my year?

Maybe.

Maybe not.

I tend not to stress over a lot of things if I can manage it. I know that stress is a major trigger for my depressive cycles that see me being actively suicidal. And I am proud of myself for being able to recognize this about myself and that I have been able to find workable solutions when things get really bad.

Yes, it's because of things like this that have found me suddenly single. But in the end I know it is for the best in this situation because why should I opt to share my life with somebody who cannot accept that being bipolar has an effect on pretty much everything in my life? I do have a lot more going on than just a mental health diagnosis (for more than just bipolar, btw), but it will always be there no matter how hard I work at trying to find coping mechanisms or take my meds like a good little sheep.

Yes, it is because of this that I find it impossible to keep my house spotless. Even if I were to move into a completely new place it would not take long for the clutter to start taking over again. Even if it were just me in the space. I can honestly say that in all of my years that my personal living space has ever been completely spotless. Oh, things are clean enough under the clutter, don't get me wrong, but I have a tendency to accumulate stuff. Okay, it's more akin to hoarding than I would like to admit, but there it is.

My kid and I were talking a couple of days ago about how we no longer have to look for a bigger place, and for the both of us it is a relief. Why? Because if I had more storage space available to me I would just accumulate more stuff that would be even harder to get rid of than my current amount of stuff has proven to be. Having a place with less storage options means that as I purge things from my main living areas that I have less places to stick things that I will then forget about.

Yes, I still routinely stub my toes on the old TV that is in my living room, and still have a stack of cardboard boxes that need to make it out to the curb on the next recycling day. But I do have less stuff taking up space in my living room, and that is a complete change for me because until recently there was barely enough space for a path from the kitchen to the loveseat and the two sides of the room where I have cages set up for my rats and my parrotlet. I actually have a floor that can be sat on!

So, my progress is slow. After the stupid text message my ex sent me my progress came to a complete stop, but then I realized something: I started the clean up process for me, not for a stupid idiot who apparently can't handle the fact that my depression makes me a horrible housekeeper. My progress is still slow going, but at least it is going and not having the stress of a boyfriend actually helps.

My goal for the next time I get two days off together is to tackle more of my bedroom, finally things cleared out enough that I pull out my dresser and then get my portable wardrobe thing set up so I can put clothes away properly once again. Obviously, that is not happening today, but I have high hopes for this coming Friday and Saturday. And then the week after I will see if it is possible for a friend to take me and a load of dry garbage to the dump. Two loads if we can manage it. It would not be so bad if the bulk garbage collection rules had not changed or if I could afford a mini-dumpster come springtime.

But I will continue to take each day as it comes and hope for the best. And if 2019 is meant to be my year, then so be it. However, I am not going to stress over it.

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