Thoughts on the ex

So, I've have over twenty-four hours to process the fact that my ex broke up with me via text and I've come to a few conclusions in that time.

1. He simply was not prepared to be in a real relationship. He may have thought he wanted to be in one, but there were some things that stuck out upon looking back at the time we were together. Yes, there are things in his life that have affected him over the years - things I am not going to divulge here, out of respect - but they were also things that were holding him back and had him set unrealistic expectations.
2. Despite how much I had warned him about how badly my depression has affected my ability to keep my house cleaned he was not prepared to see the extent of it. And he seems to feel that I could just flip a switch and suddenly be able to clean everything up in a couple of hours. Yeah, I wish it was that easy - I told him to watch a few episodes of Extreme Hoarding to get more of a clue about how real deep depression can manifest. It isn't that easy to dig yourself out of the mess that depression created.
3. Inside he's just a little boy or teenager who just wants to have a good time, and when he can't have that good time he shuts down. This is a guy who decided that because he didn't like his job that it was perfectly acceptable to continuously call out sick so he could stay home and smoke weed all day long. I fully understand not liking a job, but I would think that looking for a new job while putting up with the bullshit from your current job would be a better alternative than just sitting on home on your ass and doing nothing to fix your situation. Besides, he did admit to me that he has lost every single job he's had by doing this exact same thing, and then ends up on welfare for however long. Yeah, not exactly a shining star here.
4. I really don't think that he expected me to not drop everything just because he wanted to spend time with me. Sorry, dude, I will never again put my life and responsibilities on hold for some guy. I did that in the past and ended up getting burned pretty badly. Besides, it should be a two way street - I would never expect anybody I'm with to just drop their plans simply because I want to see them. If our work schedules interfere with trying to see each other then we should just appreciate the time we do manage to spend together all that more, but it still doesn't mean that I'm going to put my life on hold for you.
5. I haven't been happy for a few weeks. At first I thought it was just depression rearing it's ugly familiar head again. But it really isn't that this time around. No, I'm not happy with my job because of how many lies we were told to get us in the door, then the lies throughout training, and then the constant changes because nobody can get their heads out of their asses, but it is not enough to bring me down as much as I'm feeling. I think it's partially because I realized that there was something wrong and my ex didn't want to talk about it. Maybe it was because he didn't want to hurt my feelings, but I can tell you that his radio silence hurt even more than honesty would have.
6. I also realized that there things about him that I couldn't deal with myself. I figured out not too long ago that instead of dealing with things he tends to ignore them. He also told me point blank a couple of weeks ago that if I broke up with him that he would have no problem with shuttering the part of his past away and ignoring everything. Well, this is me about to do the same with him because I honestly don't want to waste any more of my time wondering what happened. It doesn't matter what happened to make him change his mind about being in a relationship with me, because it is a choice he made all on his own. I'm not about to beg him to give me another chance or tell me what went so wrong. Even if he tries to tell me I'm just going to turn away and ignore him. It simply does not matter.
7. I was likely going to break up with him any way because I realized that he and I are just way too different in way too many ways. And I knew that I could not stomach the way he was lying to avoid telling me the truth about why he didn't want to move into my place. If anything, his bullshit made me even less inclined to try to get more of the mess cleared out, and considering the fact that he'd offered to help me and then simply didn't make an attempt didn't help either.

So, in the end I'm not going to cry over any of this. I may have shed a few tears yesterday after I got his text, but it wasn't because I was upset over him breaking up with me. It's more that I was upset that he couldn't be man enough to say it to my face. I look at it as me having dodged one hell of a bullet, and I'm grateful that I did not uproot my life for him the way I know he was hoping I would do.

I wish him well, and I hope that one day he will be man enough to be in a real relationship. But that will not happen until he figures out his own shit and learns to deal with it instead of using it as an excuse for being a failure. I don't even want to be friends with him because I found that his issues with himself were wearing on me, and I could only handle so much more before I walked away. Fortunately, he took that step for me but not in the way I would have - I would have at least had the decency to break it off in person. Shows who the more mature one was in our relationship, and it has nothing to do with our physical ages either.