Finally found some energy...

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...and cleaned out my pantry.

To some people that might not seem like that huge of an accomplishment, but considering how shitty I've been feeling today it's a HUGE accomplishment. Especially as it's been needing done for a long while now.

I threw out a the equivalent of 1.5 outdoor garbage bags of expired food, including one can of soup that expired in 2019. Considering how huge I am on checking expiry dates when I buy things, the fact that I've had that can of soup for so long is a bit worrying. But it also shows how my brain shuts down when I'm at home as opposed to when I'm working or shopping. Welcome to the ADHD/bi-polar/anxious brain of yours truly!

I don't get euphoric highs that most people associate with a bi-polar diagnosis. Sometimes I wish I did because I tend to think that I could actually get things done. And then I realize that it doesn't work that way because mania is not a good state of mind and body either. A person with that type of bi-polar tends to spin out of control with a zillion thoughts per minute flashing through their mind that they eventually just stop. They can't focus long enough to get a single thing done. It's different than when I get nothing done - for me it's my anxiety and depression fighting it out in my head with the whole 'what if/it doesn't matter' argument going on between them. And sometimes my messed up side of my brain wins. Add that on top of the ADHD, and it's a wonder I can manage to hold down a job at all. Meds help but they aren't a cure.

With my meds I can at least present an image to the outside world that I am a functional human being. At home it becomes clear that I struggle with executive functioning, but that is typical of neuro-divergent people. People think I'm being funny when I say that between my daughter and I we have one fully functional person - we struggle with our executive function in different ways that seem to complement each other enough that between the two of us we manage to get stuff done. Not everything mind you, or our apartment wouldn't be such a disaster, but it is slowly getting better even with the pandemic going on.

Oh, and that reminds me...when I can manage it (and we're no longer under lockdown) I should get a friend to help me get some garbage bags to the dumpster at work. It's not currently being used a whole lot, and so long as I don't fill the thing up I've been given the go-ahead to use it. And I can also use the cardboard dumpster too to get rid of all the boxes and stuff I need to get rid of now that recycling pick-up has been cancelled for however long.

Anyhow, let's see if I can find some more energy to get some stuff done...like getting my laundry organized for tomorrow...

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