Random Ramblings Are Random

Father's Day is weird for me. Ditto for Mother's Day. Why? It's because I'm somewhat estranged from my parents. I have a mother, father, and a step-father, and I never wish any of them a Happy Whatever on these days. I used to, sure, but I haven't for a lot of years. My mother and step-father got married on a Mother's Day, and I think it was on purpose so that I wouldn't forget the date. Not that I ever regularly wished them a happy anniversary either. I've had a weird relationship with my parental figures for most of my life, due in a very large part to my mother and her constant bullshit. And my father doesn't deserve any recognition anyway. But my mother always made it difficult for me to have much of a meaningful relationship with my step-father, the man I call Dad for a multitude of reasons. Y'see, my mother is a self-centered narcissist and she told me more than once that it was my fault that her marriages to my father an...

So. I'm off for another two weeks. Yet another breakdown in the doctor's office. Go me. I realized today that even the thought of going to the mall where my job is tends to trigger a panic attack and I feel sick to my stomach. Which sucks because I tend to do a lot of my shopping in that area of town. I guess a positive outcome of that is that it will help me to save money. Maybe? I also realized that my diabetes management has been the shits due to the stress I've been under. The stress has causes me to have a hell of a time with my depression, and it's become a never ending spiral. This is possibly why I'm still sick. Between my diabetes management being poor and an extreme amount of job related stress, I'm just batting zero. My doctor and I set a goal for the next couple of weeks: set alerts on my phone/FitBit to remind me to take my meds on time every day for the next two weeks. And then actually take my meds properly. Hopefully, I'll notice a mark...

So, I'm set to be re-evaluated on Thursday to see if I'm ready to go back to work next Monday. Considering that I'm down sick again with a nasty cough and cold, I somehow think that I will be off longer. I am so not ready to go back to work and my body is letting me know in no uncertain terms. This weekend I was speaking to my kid about me being off work and how it affects us for the time being. Damn, I raised an amazing human being. They know that if I was capable of going back to work now that I would be, and they are aware that I am also looking for something else that will not do a number on my mental health and not wreck my body either. They also make decent enough money to make it possible to pay rent and keep food on the table, and to also not let the bills get completely out of hand. I feel bad about it, but until I start getting EI money in we don't have much choice. The kid has seen me work my ass off enough in the past to know that I usually do everything I...

I don't often write about my mental health these days, so this is going to be that rare post. I was off sick from work for the past week, complete with a doctor's note due to how sick I've been for entirely too long. My physical health was finally in a place where I was actually worried - I even took myself to the ER to get looked at. Usually I just muddle through as best as I can, take whatever OTC meds recommended to help with my symptoms, and go from there. But this round I'd been sick, one way or another, for well over two months. I've been spiking fevers for ages, and just wrote them off to hot flashes. But hot flashes aren't supposed to make you nauseous or give you the runs. Everything you consume is not supposed to come out the other end primarily as liquid. This past couple of weeks I fought off one of the worst bouts of cold/flu I've ever had - I'd managed to work through a week of it before leaving work last Monday halfway through my shift...

Pursuant to my last blog entry, I feel the need to expound upon it. Maybe even at great length! So, the Society for Creative Anachronism (SCA). I had originally joined the SCA when my kid was six, although I had attended a couple of demos that the local group had put on each year. I was too afraid to put myself out there and try something new. Until I finally did. It is through the SCA that I found my voice and broke out of my shell. I learned confidence to try new things, meet new people, and to travel to places I never would have. I also found who my friends were. In the aftermath of my banishment I learned that many of those I considered friends thought nothing of bad-mouthing me behind my back. One - and this one hurt me the hardest - took my admission of having been a drug addict several years before I joined the SCA and, despite having been clean for the several years leading up to me joining, took it upon himself to claim that money that had gone missing while in my ...

So. I cried today. Bawled my face off even. It was not pretty. But... It was over some amazing news I received concerning my eligibility to go back to the SCA. What is that, you ask? The Society for Creative Anachronism. Go ahead, google it. Either way, I'm off to plan my first set of garb in over 17 years. Cheers!

I have decided that for next year's convention that I will cosplay again for the first time in what feels like ages. I have fabric for at least one cosplay I want to do and there are a couple more I would like to attempt if I have the chance. Now that I am no longer stuck having to wear a security t-shirt for the convention I can easily cosplay so long as I have my committee ID visible somewhere on me. I think enough people now associate me with this particular convention that I do not have to purposely distance myself from a failed convention organization. I have kept mostly silent about that whole mess, in public anyway - those who know me well are quite aware of where I stand on it. There are many fandoms I am a part of so it would be a matter of trying to figure out which ones inspire me to want to make a cosplay. I do know that I want to make a princess gown because I want a swishy dress so badly. And I do want to cosplay as my original character from my rather long "...