I know.
It's been a while.
I've just been going through the motions. Just trying to get by the best I can.
I may have started sort of seeing somebody. That's been interesting. Well, more of a roller coaster where I've been trying to figure out the truth of that person's marital status. Especially after we had engaged in some sexual activity a week ago. No, not full on penetration. More like really heavy petting. Yes, we both came.
I'd been lead to believe that the divorce was finalized, the paperwork signed and filed in a court of law. But I should have seen the writing on the wall - his 'ex' has still been living with him for pretty much all of the time that has passed since the paperwork was allegedly signed. I know he hasn't been happy with her since at least last December, and shit went down. And they both stated they were divorced.
Yet.
I discovered last weekend that they hadn't actually completed the process. And it was in a place where I couldn't ask him about it without letting the cat out of the bag about anything that has been going on between him and I. I'm sure that everybody there at the time - other than his wife(!) - figured out that there is something going on between him and I, even though I kept my mouth shut and hopefully managed to keep my face emotionless despite feeling like I got punched in the fucking gut. And I couldn't actually say anything until a couple of days later when he picked me up for a BBQ.
I explained how I felt after hearing that bit of news. I also wanted answers. Especially after how far things had gone between the two of us. He explained that it was true that they weren't actually divorced, but that they had put that out with the group in the hopes that people would leave them alone...which honestly doesn't make that much sense to me. He also said that there is an agreement put in place by his lawyer that gave them a timeframe of six months to try to fix their relationship before the paperwork is officially filed. He then said that things really haven't changed, that he's not happy, and his wife seems to be acting like nothing is wrong.
Yeah, there's nothing there to say that the divorce is going to be finalized. And I'm not going to hold my breath. I'm pissed off, tbh. I've gone down this road before with somebody who claimed he wasn't married but lived in the basement of the house he and his ex-wife bought for 'reasons' - these reasons made sense at the time, but I should have seen the red flags. And I really don't want to be the other woman yet again.
I haven't seen him alone since that conversation. Usually, we spend Thursday afternoons together, but neither of us made any attempt to hang out. I think he knows I'm still pissed off about the situation. He already knew that I was waiting until he got back from a trip he and his ex had to go on because he said he was going to give her an ultimatum of some sort. Yeah, to my knowledge, that hasn't happened.
The thing is that I was his wife's friend first and I didn't like him...entirely based on the bullshit she spewed about him. She left out a lot while making him sound like a complete monster. It wasn't until he and I went for lunch after their so-called divorce that I started to see him in a different light. Maybe he was only telling me what I wanted to hear...or I was only hearing what I wanted to hear. By this time I wasn't a fan of his wife because she'd lied to me several times, ghosted me when we'd made plans to hang out, and tried to use my address for fraudulent activities. And he confirmed things about her that I'd long suspected.
We started hanging out once a week...and grew closer. We talked about a lot of things, including how her behaviour had affected their marriage. He stated he wasn't happy with how his relationship had been going and how he didn't feel anything was getting better between them. And he maintained that they were divorced, but 'working on thing'.
Yeah. Needless to say, I don't really believe him for some reason. Unless I see some serious changes, I'm not going to put myself in a position where it's just him and I. I hate that I'm vacillating between allowing things to go further between us despite knowing that they're technically still married and aren't at all separated, or just ending things entirely. I've grown feelings for him and enjoy our conversations. The sexual play was also enjoyable, but that's never been something I've planned on basing relationships on. But I also hate that I ignored the red flags that were staring me in the face. And I also hate that a large part of me wants to continue having a relationship with him by justifying it as a form of revenge against her for what she tried to pull with me.
Which is part of why I've been quiet on here. I've had a lot on my mind and I hadn't wanted to put it out there quite yet. But I'm trying to get things sorted in my head and my life. I'm 50 years old and it's past time that I have some sort of plan in place as I getter even older. As it is, I'm going back to the doctor next week and getting the ball rolling on my health once again, especially now that I have half-way decent health benefits again. Maybe I'd hoped that I'd found somebody to grow old with...we seemed to be on the same page with so many things. But how much of it was just him telling me what I wanted to hear in order to get me in bed with him.
I should just stick to the idea of being single until I die.
Ugh.
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