Okay, missus, I get that you're excited about your trip to Florida in a month, but I'm getting really tired of hearing about it. Especially when you bitch about not being able to afford to not work more than one job to even be able to afford your regular bills.
Trust me, I understand the need for vacation, but I don't understand the need to live so far beyond your means. And I'm really getting tired of the excuses for why you feel the need to go on these vacations. Honestly, I'm pretty sure it's mostly that you feel the need to show your sister and her family that you can do all the same things she can afford to do. When, in all honesty, you really can't.
You've admitted that money, or the lack thereof, is a stress trigger for you. I know I was flabbergasted when you told me how much your mortgage payments will be going up to - and people wonder why I'm perfectly happy renting at my age. Holy shit, there is no need to blow money to put on a facade that makes it look like everything is perfectly fine for you. When behind it all you're freaking out, causing problems in most of your close relationships.
I get that I'm a fine one to talk because I have a tendency to hide my own issues, but I also don't try to live so far outside of my means that I *have* to find a second job. And I also know that once I get all my bills caught up with again that I will be okay. Yes, it's my own fault that my bills got out of control - it's what happens when I get caught up in my friend's spending sprees. Not to mention that my executive function disorder makes it hard to keep control over my finances when I'm in the middle of an episode of disfunction. It's pretty normal for folks with ADHD to have these sorts of issues.
In my own case, due to having lost my bus pass and had to take a taxi to work, as well as pay for bus rides out of pocket until my replacement bus pass arrived, I spent money that I would have otherwise put on bills. I've been playing catch-up since then, and I was so low on food at the start of the week that I was considering going to a food bank to get me through until I got paid on Thursday. Yet I managed to eke out what food I had left and went shopping yesterday before making any bill payments. Even then I made sure to keep aside enough to catch a taxi to work once in the event that I wake up one morning to discover that the buses are off the road or have a delayed start. Once I get to work that is when I'd reach out to my kid to borrow funds to get home or crash at her place.
And yes, I could have reached out to my daughter and a few friends for some assistance in getting food instead of essentially starving, eating a single can of soup and a handful of crackers each day. But I hate doing that because it makes me feel like I've somehow failed at adulting. A couple of friends reached out to me yesterday after I finally admitting on social media how tight things were for the past few days and how tight things are going to remain for the next few weeks - they reminded me that asking for help is not a failure on my part at all. Everybody needs help from time to time, even if it's just getting a few bucks to buy a loaf of bread and a carton of milk. I just have to keep reminding myself of this, and that I'm worthy of people's help. I'm NOT a failure. I just need help once in a while.
I have examined why my mind set falls the way it does. It all goes back to how I was raised and the things my mother said and did to me. Plus, my mother wasn't a whole lot better with her money - at least I don't blow a huge chunk on gambling, such as bingo every night or spending a small fortune on scratch tickets. Or blowing money I don't have on expensive gadgets that I then never use just because I have to somehow be better than all my friends. And my mother always told me that I'd never manage on my own, that I'd always have to live with somebody or be in a relationship with somebody who would pay all the bills. Yeah, fuck that noise. Considering that I've been living on my own for almost a year and I still have a roof over my head I think I can safely say that I proved her wrong. I just wish I could have proved her wrong a lot more years ago, before she died, so I could rub it in her face and call her out on her bullshit. Oh well, such is life.
In the meantime, I'm going to continue doing the best that I can to keep working on my mental and physical health, and also keep working on cleaning my apartment. Especially as there's a good chance that a friend of mine may be moving in with me if her marriage continues to crumble the way it is - she's currently staying with her mother and brother but that's quickly becoming a tenuous situation, and she doesn't see herself moving back in with her husband at this time. Heh, the extra money would help me get out of the debt I'm currently in. And the idea of having somebody move in with me is also helping me to keep me motivated to keep working on the apartment clean-up.
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