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Today my mother died.

I always thought that I would not be affected by her passing away, but I am currently a snotty, blubbering mess.

It wasn't COVID that got her. Apparently her kidneys shut down and then her COPD got in on the act. She died in the hospital some time today.

I spoke to family I whose voices I hadn't heard in a very long time today. My brother messaged me on FB and told me to call him, giving me his number. So I did, and I was absolutely surprised at my reaction. Then I saw that my cousin Liz had been trying to contact me...so I gave her my cell number. I learned that our mothers went the same way as each other. I bawled my face off some more, and I got my parents' phone number...didn't even realize I had it in my phone until I dialed it. I spoke to my sister Dani who sounded so much more grown up than I ever remember, and then I spoke to my dad who sounded absolutely ancient. I think that made my bawl even harder.

Somehow I need to get the funds together to see my dad and sister before it's too late.

Part of me is relieved because now they are free to live their lives without my mother interfering, but at the same time I don't know if they know how to live without her.

I just let my boss know that my mom passed away today but that I will still be at work tomorrow - I know I need to keep busy so that I don't sink into a deep pit of depression, but I can't guarantee that I will not randomly turn into an emotional wreck. My mom and I may not have gotten along much at all for a large portion of my life, but she was still my mother and I loved her, bumps and all. I just couldn't spend much time around her or let her negativity affect my life.

RIP Mom. I hope that you're no longer in pain, mental, physical, or emotional now. And for fuck sake, don't haunt me or I'll banish your ass. I love you, but I don't want you haunting me. Love you forever.

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