Random Ramblings Are Random

I am in week three of going to the gym on a regular basis, and I can already see a change! It's not necessarily an obvious change in my body but it's a change in general - I have more energy, my depression isn't as bad, and my motivation is better. So, today I had my first consult with a personal trainer and I was surprised at how open and honest I was with him about what I want to accomplish with my physical fitness. I told him about the various injuries I have had over the years and how those injuries made me afraid to do much exercise, and he agreed to help me deal with that fear and show me techniques and forms to use to mitigate the stress on those injury sites. I also set some goals to hit in the next year (or a little later for one of them), all of them realistic and doable so long as I do not re-injure myself at some point along the way. The most surprising goal is that I intend to do the Tely 10 in 2020. Considering just how out of shape I am, this is one hec...

For the first time in over a year I can access my bedroom closet. And I can also see my bedroom floor. When the Depression Monster comes around for a visit, my bedroom is always the hardest hit. I think this is largely because I move clutter from the more visible areas of my home into my bedroom where I can close the door and forget about it, even though it can mean I have to climb over the giant pile of clutter in order to crawl into my bed each night. It's amazing what can happen when a person can simply turn out the lights and block the mess that they are living in. But today I decided that it was beyond time for me to deal with that mess so I can work on pushing the Depression Monster out of my life for a while. Hopefully I can keep it gone for a good long while, or at least keep it from becoming overbearing again. I know that for now, some of the clutter that I'll be keeping will be getting hidden in a couple of huge plastic totes I have. This is only temporary bec...

January 13, 2019 saw me do my first real workout in years. I was going to wait a couple of weeks to start adding in light weights, but my first workout this week saw me hitting the circuit training equipment. Six workouts down and many more to go! I'm hoping that my workouts and new dietary measures will help me both slim down and strengthen up, keeping me healthy for years to come. Eventually, I hope to add some fun stuff to my health routine...such as Zumba and some sort of dancing. But for now I'm happy with my current progress. The weight loss has been slow, but at least I'm doing it in a healthy manner instead of starving myself or something equally stupid. And I am not burning myself out either because that is the last thing I want to do...I do not want to do something that will jeopardize my continued efforts at the gym! I know that at this point I do not want to become a muscle-bound behemoth of a woman - I will settle for being a healthy weight with defined...

Yesterday saw me do my first cardio workout in ages, and I actually felt pretty good about myself after it. Oh, I looked like a sweaty mess when I was done, don't get me wrong, but I feel like I have started down the right path where my health is concerned. I am going back today after work for another twenty minute cardio session, so long as I don't fall on my face before the end of my work day. The plan is to do a couple weeks of nothing but cardio and then I will start adding in light weight training once or twice a week. My goal is to not become a muscle-bound freak, but more to lose weight and tone my muscles. I know that I do not have the discipline to commit to a serious weightlifting regime, not that I particularly want to do any heavy weights in the first place. I posted a post-workout photo of myself on FB and Instagram and I received a lot of positive feedback on it, and a lot of encouragement to keep on going. Hopefully in a year I will be able to see a defin...

Second day of taking my meds on schedule and my body doesn't quite know how to deal with it. Such is life, I supposed. I'm planning on hitting the gym after work tomorrow, so I know that I'll need to dig out a pair of yoga pants and a big ol' t-shirt, as well as digging out a sports bra (maybe two so that I know I'll be fully supported...big boob problems), and my runners. Oh, as well as a fresh pair of socks and underwear for after my shower. Thank goodness for towel service! I also need to dig out my big book bag so I can shove everything I need into it. At least I know where that is. And I made sure to buy a lock so I can ensure my stuff is all properly locked up before I head into the work-out area. I know that the gym has a circuit-training area set-up so that is likely what I will gravitate towards after a brief cardio session on a bike or treadmill. And I have enough sense to start light, especially because of injuries I've taken since my last real ...

Despite feeling like utter crap today I finally signed up for a gym membership with a place that provides employees of my workplace with a great discount. Thankfully, I could do this online so that I didn't have to worry about sneezing all over anybody. I will likely head there for a short visit tomorrow so I can get a feeling for the place, and then determine if I will need new runners. This is another step in my journey to try to get into better health and to try to get my diabetes under control properly. I started back onto my tightly controlled med schedule today, and I find that I'm feeling more than a bit like crap at the moment. This is normal for me though, whenever I start back up on my meds. But right now it is necessary for me to do this because it literally means my life.

I'm hoping that the letter I got from my doctor today will finally get my schedule at worked locked down instead of being all over the damn map like it has been for entirely too long. All of my readings were entirely too high and my doctor is amazed that I'm still walking around. We had a chat about my health since my last appointment and she is absolutely dismayed with how bad my overall health has been, and she says it's got everything to do with my diabetes being completely out of control. When I take the letter into work I am pretty sure that I will still have a fight on my hands because I can guarantee that they will not understand how my medication schedule is supposed to work. My first and last dose each day needs to be twelve hours apart and are not supposed to change from day to day or even week to week. For example, I used to take my first dose at 8am and my last dose at 8pm, and my middle dose halfway between those, and that schedule remained the same for age...

It's not exactly a surprise that my ex called out sick today. Honestly, I am surprised that he didn't call out sick for other shifts since the new year started. Mind you, I am pretty sure that our mutual friend told him exactly what I had to say about the situation and how I have no respect for him or desire to even be friends, and that may have brought him down really low. Which is nothing more than he deserves. It is no longer my problem if he opts to call out sick and jeopardize his job. Nor is it in anyway my responsibility to kick him in the ass to get him to go to work, Not my monkey, not my zoo. I wonder how long it will be before he shows up in the system as terminated. This is even more proof that I dodged one hell of a bullet.

So, I found out why the ex broke up with me, not that he had the balls to tell me himself. Instead he told a mutual friend who then told me. Apparently he is pissed off that I didn't make him a priority in my life. Yep, that is what it amounts to. Despite the fact that he knows that my kid comes first and always will. Despite me telling him that like all humans I need my space. Despite him knowing what my work schedule was like and that it did not match up with his to make spending time together easy. Of course he glossed over the fact that he fucking started lying to me. Or the fact that HE started distancing himself from me. Yet, I'm at fault because I didn't make him a priority. Uh. Fuck you, buddy. You knew where I stood and why I did things the way I did, so why would you EVER expect me to just bow down and kiss your arse. You knew that even though my kid is an adult that they will always come first. You knew that I did not always have the ability to co...

2019. Will this be my year?

Thirty-three years ago my mother did one of the few things I will always thank her for - she got me, my brother, and herself out of a very violent situation. At the time, she was married to her second husband and until this day thirty-three years ago we'd all been living under the same roof. Oh, we weren't supposed to be but my mother really doesn't know how to live without a man in her life.

So, I've have over twenty-four hours to process the fact that my ex broke up with me via text and I've come to a few conclusions in that time. He simply was not prepared to be in a real relationship. He may have thought he wanted to be in one, but there were some things that stuck out upon looking back at the time we were together. Yes, there are things in his life that have affected him over the years - things I am not going to divulge here, out of respect - but they were also things that were holding him back and had him set unrealistic expectations. Despite how much I had warned him about how badly my depression has affected my ability to keep my house cleaned he was not prepared to see the extent of it. And he seems to feel that I could just flip a switch and suddenly be able to clean everything up in a couple of hours. Yeah, I wish it was that easy - I told him to watch a few episodes of Extreme Hoarding to get more of a clue about how real deep depression can manifes...